Analyzing my brain is unproductive

Originally posted to my Facebook on August 14, 2026

I know some of what crosses my mind on a daily basis isn't typical (whatever typical is - on the bell curve of mind musings). I also don't usually spend a lot of time actually thinking about it (how disordered it is). I don't have time. Analyzing my brain (to death) wouldn't necessarily be productive anyway.

There is something to be said for agency, and the ability to make personal choices; the concept of being free to act and not be acted upon. There is also the drive (or will) to rise above one's circumstances. Not being a trained social worker or psychologist, I don't have professional insight into when the balance tips, and you simply must employ more compassion to accommodate what is beyond a person's control. I'm fairly certain I do more than my fair share of inadvertently teaching maladaptive skills to my offspring by 'accommodating' them.

If I understand it correctly, psychology's big six events that put your mental health at risk, if not addressed properly, are:

trauma

loss of a loved one

chronic stress

relationship issues

financial problems

and significant life changes (moving, loss of a job, etc.).

I'm guessing that is the list for normal people, those who don't already experience disordered thinking.

If, say, on a regular basis (3-4 x per week), you catch yourself thinking the words "You really have no business being alive," at roughly the same time every morning (while plucking your eyebrows or selecting your clothes for the day), hopefully you also recognize it as disordered thinking. You mentally label it as such, and banish it from occupying any additional mental space in your head (or psyche).

I understand the strong urge for religious people to say, "Oh that is just Satan". And I'm not saying it isn't. It is entirely possible that before I came to earth, Satan (or Lucifer, or whatever he was going by at the time), and I spent lots of time arm wrestling on the playground, or passing notes in class - to the point that he pretty much knows me. But, I'm not going to spend a lot of time blaming things on some unembodied spirit either. I can't spend my life using that as an excuse (however true it may be). That would simply be too easy (for me - mentally).

At some point, you have to do the work. You have to address the problem (once you recognize it is happening) and deal with it . . . even if it something you unconsciously / subconsciously employed as a coping mechanism for something even more problematic.

For years, I attended meetings with 'professionals' about identifying areas of strength and weakness, along with targeted, measurable goals during Individualized Education Plan (IEP) meetings for my sons. Admittedly, I probably went in feeling a bit defensive, given what it took to get the meetings in the first place. The system itself is designed to wear you down. It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a Special Needs student, however deserving, must be in want of services. And services can be expensive (in the short term). So, a budget, in want of being balanced, must deny at least a few services - no matter how needed (in the short term), or deserving (across a life span).

The mental effort it took to not only attend the meeting, but deal with the fallout eventually exacted its price on me. I attended more than one meeting where the obvious 'hidden curriculum' was to 'diagnose the mother'. If you can make a sleep deprived mother (of a child who occasionally experiences meltdowns and other developmental delays) begin to question her own sanity, she may not be so eager to seek another meeting to request assistance.

I attended meetings where I was taken aside afterward and praised or congratulated about all the preparation I'd done, only to come away with a document containing everything we discussed, and nothing ever came of it.

And unfortunately, I also attended meetings where the clear message was 'the school has no role in this', which was effectively gaslighting (or outright lying).

If you keep going back to those meetings, it would be reasonable to question whether you are just reinforcing mental anguish upon yourself (and your own son/daughter, once they are old enough to be expected to attend in person). So, you think, hmm . . . maybe I should recognize this for what it is. And stop allowing it to occupy any additional mental space. But often, by the time you've come to that conclusion, your child is aged out of a system designed to accommodate and teach them, while purposely underfunded to make an education budget appear palatable.

I'm not sure when this post became political. It didn't start off that way. I was discussing disordered thinking, and somewhere my disordered thinking was hijacked by another disordered thought (or illustrative experience). The goal . . . it seems like there was a goal. Make discussing mental health more acceptable in the mainstream? I don't remember anymore.