Disordered Thinking and the desire to believe

 Also linked to my Facebook on October 6, 2026

The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ is a collection of histories of the people of ancient America. There is a phrase from the Book of Mormon that goes through my mind from time to time:

experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. Alma 32:27

I honestly love that the compilers of these histories included this.

In my experience, modern religious people have a tendency to share the 'best parts version' of their experiences - sort of a glamorized Facebook, Twitter, Blogger reel, semi-sanitized for human consumption.

It is after the trial of faith we feel compelled (or allowed) to share, once we can see the hard thing in our rear view mirror.

But if you've been 'in that place', you may recognize what this 'missionary' from 74 B.C. is conveying. 
Perhaps he is giving allowance for doubt, or lack of faith - an acknowledgement of what naturally happens when you've tried and failed, and tried again; only to find yourself bruised and bloodied after proverbially banging your head (or stubbing your toe) on that same thing again and again. After a while, you wise up to the idea that the only thing you know to do isn't working. So you inevitably stop, for preservation of life, if nothing else.

Depending on how long you've been 'in that place', it can begin to feel semi-permanent; as if you know that 'one day' things have the potential to be better; but there really is no getting yourself from here to there on your own. And there isn't much realistic hope that someone will happen along with a solution either. Philosophically, you come to a resignation about your situation, and move forward . . . except in that one area of your life. And as long as you don't spend time looking at it for too long, you more or less cope with what is.

This weekend, I felt a bit of hope. Emotionally tangible hope.
I know where it came from - General Conference
But whether it was specifically related to this counsel from the Prophet, Dallin H. Oaks, I don't know. Here are his words:

We need to be patient with one another and, occasionally, even with ourselves. Overcoming uncertainty and doubt—which may include resolving conflicts between the evolving understanding of science and the sometimes incomplete teachings of religion—can be a lengthy process. It involves building faith and strengthening humility. -Oaks, D., The Gospel of Jesus Christ Is for All, October 2026.

I feel like it was more of a cumulative effect of all the music and speakers, along with a healthy dose of 'the Holy Ghost' acting as a 'second witness' of truth, rather than the simple words of someone just telling it how it is - as much as I often so desperately need exactly that.

For years, I've had to cling to what I know
and the placating (?) stories meant to provide comfort;
while at the same time recognizing that if I want something to change,
I'm going to have to be the one to change
(or humble myself enough to get a 'view from the mountain').

Maybe it was just the Holy Ghost confirming to me that there was reason to hope, and I wasn't so far down my rabbit hole of disordered thinking that I'd actually completely lost touch with reality. (There are times when even I wonder if 'believers' consider that magical thinking.)

I don't know that I'm seeking something profound or earth shattering.
In my heart of hearts, it seems like it should be (or could be) something just effortlessly easy.
Like, turning one of those image illusions to see it from a different angle and the 'other' picture instantly comes into focus.